when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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