What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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