I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
