State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
