for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this boner is exhausting
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize