Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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