well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
