On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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