an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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