Plan B is the new Plan A
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
