I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
