I wish i was in the wii world.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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