a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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