I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
