Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
