listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
