I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
