wat bout pragnant strippers??
I want to walk on stilts...naked
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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