my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
