Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
