hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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