Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize