his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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