everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
