her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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