1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
3 2 1 whiskey
Floor bacon is actually really good
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
