Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
