There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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