That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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