If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
