Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
