I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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