i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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