he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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