Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
