my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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