I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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