I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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