Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
