I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
