Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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