Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
