ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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