Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
