My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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