my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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