covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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