Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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