Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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