its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
