2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
