i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
