God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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