dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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