I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
there was a trapeze. enough said
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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