i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
