Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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