i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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