apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
