I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
