I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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